Forgiveness
is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a
change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of
negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to
wish the offender well.
Forgiveness is about our attitude,
not their action.
Why Do We
Find It So Hard to Forgive?
One reason we resist
forgiving is that we don't really understand what forgiveness is or how
it works. We think we do, but we don't.
Most of us assume
that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free
— and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from
their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them
again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to
forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our
trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.
The first step to
understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. The next
step is giving yourself permission to forgive and forget, letting go of
the bitterness while remembering very clearly your rights to healthy
boundaries.
Granting
Forgiveness
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Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We
can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or
lack of actions. |
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Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice.
By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we
are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
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Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again.
We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to,
lack of respect or any form of abuse. |
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Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim.
Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and
walk all over me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the
performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim
role. |
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Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive
someone even if we never can get along with him again. |
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Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some
time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly
forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive, but it
probably is not going to happen right after a tragic divorce. That's
okay. |
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We have
to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly
forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are
doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt,
attacked, or abused. |
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Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated
offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited,
apathetic, or unreliable. They never will change. We need to change
the way we respond to them and quit expecting them to be different.
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Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude.
People will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look
outward at them or stay stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our
minds on our loving relationship with God, knowing and trusting in
what is good. |
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If they
don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never
ask, we need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and
over: Forgiveness is about our attitude, not their action.
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We don't
always have to tell them we have forgiven them.
Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who
has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel
guilty. It also is a form of pride. |
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Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power.
We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and
only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we
forgive. |
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We might
have to forgive more than the divorce. Post-divorce
problems related to money, the kids, and schedules might result in
the need to forgive again and to seek forgiveness ourselves.
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We might
forgive too quickly to avoid pain or to manipulate the situation.
Forgiveness releases pain and frees us from focusing on the other
person. Too often when we're in the midst of the turmoil after a
divorce, we desperately look for a quick fix to make it all go away.
Some women want to "hurry up" and forgive so the pain will end, or
so they can get along with the other person. We have to be careful
not to simply cover our wounds and retard the healing process.
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We might
be pressured into false forgiveness before we are ready.
When we feel obligated or we forgive just so others will still like
us, accept us, or not think badly of us, it's not true forgiveness —
it's a performance to avoid rejection. Give yourself permission to
do it right. Maybe all you can offer today is, "I want to forgive
you, but right now I'm struggling emotionally. I promise I will work
on it." |
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Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for
memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts
occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves
focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God,
for this reminder of how important forgiveness is."
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Forgiveness starts with a mental decision. The emotional
part of forgiveness is finally being able to let go of the
resentment. Emotional healing may or may not follow quickly after we
forgive. |
